Kenshin Tries To Knock Off Kaoru
by evilchibis
Summary: The Battosai faces his greatest opponent yet- Kamiya Kaoru! Wait,what? This could be bad. This could be...funny?
1. Chapter 1

**Kenshin Tries to Knock Off Kaoru**

Disclaimer: We don't own Rurouni Kenshin. That's a good thing, because our version of Kenshin is probably unpublishable.

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Chapter 1

It's been awhile since I've killed anybody—I thought my assassin days were over. I had to quit when the revolutionary government became "official." Hacking people to bits was fun, but it wasn't worth my life. Look at Shishio—assassinated by his own government.

I, Himura Kenshin, am neither clumsy nor dumb. Before the government decided to do away with me too, I "repented," and ran off to be a wanderer.

I quickly found the "innocent bumbling traveler" was the way to go. I'd already perfected the innocent act in order to get girls. Like Tomoe. That was a masterpiece. It could be a bit embarrassing at times, but it's not like _I _care what other people think of me. Plus, when my true identity takes them by surprise, their fear is all the sweeter. I like using a reverse blade sword because I can slowly torture my opponents to death. My plan is to savor their pain, then leave them "alive" with fatal injuries.

But enough about me. Let's go on to more of my favorite subject. Me. And more specifically, my problems, which all began a couple of months ago. I ran into some weak loser calling himself the Battousai! Of all the nerve! Obviously I had to beat him up, so after I kick his ass, some random black haired chick runs up to me and starts babbling about how I've "saved her life." I give her a look, but she's nothing special, so I turn to leave, but before I'm out the door she yells, "STOP!"

Stupid bitch triggered my combat reflexes; I almost chopped her in two. Fortunately I stopped myself in time…or rather unfortunately, as things turned out.

The girl whined a lot about something. However, I tuned her out, but my ears perked up when she said something about a dojo, and me staying there. I was getting a little tired of wandering, and a dojo sounded like my place to be. Even if it was a dojo with some wimpy motto like "swords that protect life." If she believes that, the girl is crazier than I am.

Staying at that nut house was the biggest mistake of my life. I wouldn't have believed it of that wimpy girl, but she works me like a slave driver. I would have just killed her, but a few too many people knew my identity at that point, and would have turned me in to the government. My damn conspicuous red hair and purple eyes make it hard to take on a new persona. Well, at least the ladies like them. I thought I could use that to my advantage.

That's why I rescued her from Jin-e…girls go crazy for guys who rescue them. That, and Jin-e's crazy laugh was starting to get on my nerves. When he said Kaoru was my woman…well, that was the last straw. He was going to die even if I had to induce him to kill himself.

Backfired like you wouldn't believe. For some reason she just became more harsh and aggressive towards me. She throws stuff and her face gets all red when she looks at me like she's constantly angry or something. I asked Sano why she didn't seem to like me, and for some reason he just snickered and told me I'm clueless. The nerve!

Sano is a low-life criminal who I keep around so in the event I snap and kill someone, I can blame it on him. Who is the government going to believe: me, or that Sekihotai reject?

He should be grateful to me; I rescued that slutty girl he likes, Megumi. She's annoying, but I let her live because her infatuation with me boosts my ego. It proves that, Kaoru aside, I'm still the same irresistible stud I've always been.

While it seems like I'm introducing everyone, I suppose I should mention that dumb, girly-boy that hangs around me. His name is Yahiko, but in my head I call him meatshield. I originally picked him up as a distraction for Kaoru. It didn't work out too well, but I keep him around anyway because, with his ridiculous enthusiasm for throwing himself into fights, I figured I could use him either as a gage to test my opponents, or a temporary stopper to distract one guy long enough for me to torture the other guy to death without interruption. He'll probably die sooner or later, but who cares? Street kids are a dime a dozen, and I can always find some other brat willing to worship the ground I walk on for a little food.

Basically, all of them are a bunch of total losers that I wouldn't deign to use for target practice. But the only one who is really intolerable is Kamiya Kaoru. First opportunity, I'm ridding myself of her presence by any means necessary. And if the method is slow and painful (for her), then so much the better.

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Next Chapter: Kenshin travels halfway across Japan trying to loose Kaoru- I mean, fight Shishio. Will she follow him? Well, you already know about that. But will things in this story turn out a little differently than you remember? You bet!


	2. Chapter 2

**Kenshin Tries to Knock Off Kaoru**

Disclaimer: We still don't own Rurouni Kenshin. Not even our unique version of him.

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Chapter 2

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A while back I found a perfect excuse to leave Kaoru and her crappy dojo behind forever. The government came by and asked me to eliminate Shishio, since apparently they were too incompetent to get it right the first time. I was thrilled! I get to kill someone, and Shishio looked like a strong opponent. I love a good fight. But I didn't want to appear too eager, because then the government might catch on to my "harmless pacifist" act.

I almost gave myself away during my little bout with Saito. Afterward I had to wander around acting confused. Who am I? Where am I? Nothing to worry about, just a little post-traumatic stress from my old war days.

After putting me through all that crap, I decided I wouldn't accept the job until they paid me money, or at least begged sufficiently. But then Kaoru got all weird and obsessive, and wouldn't leave me alone, so I decided I had to can my plans and escape right away.

I wanted to loot the dojo first, but Kaoru caught me at it. I covered my criminal activities up by giving her a sentimental farewell, then hit the road as fast as I could. The stupid dojo was too poor to have anything worth taking anyway.

But, as fate would have it, as soon as you get rid of one crazy freakish girl, you get stuck with another. I met this dumb broad who separated me from my sword, stole my money, and then proceeded to stalk me through an entire forest. I tried to drop her off a bridge, but somehow she survived. When I jumped a canyon trying to lose her, she actually tried to follow me. I would have let her fall to her death in that gorge, but then I remembered she still had my money. Damn her.

I took my money back from her, but she kept following me, whining about some guy named Aoshi. Aoshi? Do I know an Aoshi? Probably some weak guy I killed a long time back.

To top it all off, I ran into another brat just like Yahiko. They must come in pairs or something. It's too troublesome to tell them apart, so I just think of him as Yahiko in my head, and call him "you" or "kid" when I'm talking. I was planning to kill both him and the girl and dump their bodies somewhere, (you know, unfortunate accidents do happen when one is traveling…), but then that Saito showed up again, and I had to go back to pretending to be nice.

It appeared Saito was at least going to lead me to some interesting guys I could fight, so I went with him. But like everything to do with that government dog, it was rather disappointing.

I tried to have a little fun by killing off this one, egg-headed guy slowly, but he was just too damn weak so I finally just finished him off in a single blow. Afterwards, everyone went on about how courageous I'd been, trying to finish the guy off without revealing any special techniques, and how noble I'd been for using one to save the guy from getting killed by Shishio. Fortunately, no one checked the body, or they would have realized I'd actually killed the guy myself. The nice thing about playing innocent is that after a while people start filling in your motives for you. It's good to know all my hard work and effort was well spent.

I did meet one interesting guy, this kid named Soujiro. He kind of reminded me of myself when I was younger, so naturally he had to go. There's only room for one smiley psychopath in Japan.

I decide not to kill him right away; I didn't think I could get away with two dead bodies in one day, so I merely broke his sword. Unfortunately, as soon as I used my own sword to do something difficult, it broke too. It turns out that dumb bitch who stole it swung it against a tree and cracked it. At least it gave me an excuse to end the fight with a draw, because, sometimes, when my blood gets boiling, I lose control and the bodies just start piling up. I try to limit myself to one-on-one fights for that reason.

I didn't really care that much about the sword. A true warrior doesn't rely on weapons and can kill with anything, even bare hands if necessary. Besides, that sword was just a cheap piece of junk that I picked up at a pawn shop. I mean look at it! It has a backwards blade. Probably a reject from some mass producing factory.

But, I was still hoping to separate the government from some of their money, so I pissed and moaned and made up some story about how the sword was created by a famous swordmaker so they would have to reimburse me. But, instead, that cheap bastard Saito told me to go look for the guy and have another made.

That's how I got entangled with that ugly broomhead, and the even uglier kid he took hostage. That guy and his overly elaborate sword collection really pissed me off. I tried to get everyone else to run away so I could kill the guy in private, but noooo, they just _had _to stay by my side. Gods. Some people. They just don't know what's good for them.

So, in the end, I merely took him prisoner. I hope he suffers in some really trashy jail. It would fit him. I looked through his swords when I was done with him, hoping to find something good in them, but they all said, "Made in Taiwan" on their handles. I don't know if he was a lying braggart or just really gullible, but I hate that type either way and hope he's locked away for a long time. At least I did manage to pick up a new sword, and for free. Another reverse blade sword, good for slow killing.

I still failed to separate the government from any of their money. But give it some time. Maybe I'll hold Saito hostage or something. Too bad he's so annoying I'd kill him right away. Or I could try robbing a bank. I've never robbed a bank before. Normally, when I need money I just get impatient and take it from the first person I run into. Bank robbery might be a fun change of pace.

Murder and mayhem, however, remains my favorite. I was ready to get started on some of that, so I headed off the face Shishio on that ridiculous iron boat he spent so much money on.

That spiky haired guy (Sano, I think) followed me. Kind of like a dog. It would be cute if he was female, but I don't swing that way.

The rooster guy tagged along when Saito and I went off to confront Shishio. The whole way, the two of them squabbled like a pair of children while I fantasized about killing them in my head. By the time we arrived, I had worked myself into a killing frenzy.

I almost finished Shishio off there, but then I realized that he didn't have all of his henchmen with him. Shishio was just too weak to interest me on his own. I'd gotten all excited under the impression that he was super tough, but he looked like a mummified grandpa. I just couldn't take him seriously.

So, I proposed a set of one-on-one duels. Sure, if I'd stopped him then I could have put an end to his murderous rampage without any more innocent causalities. But what do I care if he offs a few more people before I get around to killing him? It's not like their pathetic lives mean anything to me.

Unfortunately, it seemed like the dog duo (Sano the mutt and Saito the poodle) were going to tag along to the duels no matter what, so I couldn't fight as violently as I pleased. Hence, I decided to seek out my old teacher and see if he had any good techniques for covertly killing people.

Hiko was my old swordmaster who took me in when I was little, but refused to keep teaching me when he found out what a rampant psychopath I am. (Someone told him that I'd killed my parents. I mean, what's the big deal? Everyone wants to kill their parents, I just did it. Someday I'll find the snitch and kill him too.)

After Hiko chased me off, I told everyone that I ran away from home, despite his begging and pleading for me to stay. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

I brought along some sake to the reunion, for two reasons. One, he liked it. Two, I was planning to get him so pissed-drunk that I'd be able to separate him from his swordfighting secrets. Unfortunately, my plans were derailed when Kaoru showed up.

The woman followed me halfway across the country! What does she have against me? I haven't done anything to her. Yet. But now that she's teamed up with the weasel girl to torment me, she really has to go. I just need a plan.

In the meantime, I persuaded everyone to give me some alone bonding time with my "master". I managed to get him smashed and he happily told me all the Hiten Mitsurugi-style secrets. When I was done with him, I slashed his chest open with my sword, but then I realized he might have held something back, so I bandaged him up.

He didn't remember anything the next morning, so I convinced him that a giant man had come out of nowhere and attacked him. It stroked his ego to believe me so I got away with it. It even put me somewhat back in his good graces now that I had "rescued" him. In the end, I don't think there were any more secrets, but I prefer to keep him around in hopes he'll train up some more disciples who I can fight. I get bored if my opponents aren't strong enough.

With that, I took off to fight the duels, after leaving Kaoru behind to "defend the inn". I knew that the Juppongatana would attack it and Kaoru would be too weak to protect herself. Then she would die and I'd have her out of my hair for once and for all. With that cheerful thought in mind, I headed off for my showdown with Shishio.

The first in the line-up was friggin' Buddhist monk! He looked like the type to repent last minute (bo-ring) so no way was I going to fight him. I stuck my mutt (Sano) on him. In the end, the rooster-head barely won. I wasn't sure whether or not I was pleased that he remained alive. But, he annoys Saito, which is reason enough to keep him around.

Next was a blind guy. A blind guy! I mean, what was Shishio thinking! I don't want to fight no cripple! What a waste of time. So, I let Saito have him. (The fact that the ex-shinsengumi member was injured at all in that fight just goes to show that deep down, a dog is just a dog.)

Then, I got to face some guy called Aoshi. Aoshi… Oh yeah- Aoshi! So that's the guy the weasel was talking about! Now I remember him. He was the kid I fought back at that drug-dealer's mansion. He seemed to have a lot of untapped potential, so I let him live in hopes that he'd get stronger, and dropped some heavy hints that he should look me up after he trained himself a bit.

Looks like he has. And he got stronger too. I decided to test his evil resolve by throwing a do-gooder's speech at him. He resisted pretty well, but faltered at the end, so I decided he hadn't matured enough and spared his life. In a few more years I bet he'll be a real good fight. Maybe I'll even let him live afterwards and make him my sidekick. I find silent people slightly more tolerable than most human beings.

My next opponent was the smiley freak. In a sense, he was my toughest foe- his type has a tendency to live through even fatal injuries. Witness Shishio. I really didn't want a cheap knock-off of myself running around, so my only option was to pull out a little psychological manipulation and somehow convince him to repent. It was surprisingly easy. I guess he was just a weak brat after all.

When the fight was over, I had fun decorating myself in bandages for non-existent wounds. I didn't want to show up in front of Shishio uninjured and scare him off.

Alas, the showdown wasn't as much fun as expected. To kick it all off, the bastard bit me. He friggin' bit me! No one bites the Battosai! Eww. What if he had rabies or something? Now I'm going to have to let that horrible doctor-girl give me shots.

To pay him back for all my pain and suffering, I decided to let him think he beat me, then kill him in his moment of triumph. I love the crushing despair in people's eyes when I do that.

Unfortunately, when Saito showed up a realized that I couldn't kill him in front of the government dog. Not when I was planning to set Sano up to take the blame. So I decided to play dead for a while, in hopes that Shishio would finish Saito off for me. But that bandaged freak couldn't even get that right. In the end I decided that I would just have to kill him and then kill Saito too.

But right when I was about to deal the final blow, Shishio's dumb girlfriend suddenly jumped between us. Her skimpy kimono gave me a great view of her cleavage, and while I was stare – look – glance – GLARING, the mummy stabbed right threw her into me. I hate opponents like that. I mean ones who use their cleavage to distract me, not complete bastards, who I kind of enjoy.

After that, I decided just killing Shishio with my sword was too easy on him. I was going to use my ultimate technique on him. No, I don't mean that Amekakeru Ryu No Hirameki thing. I just made that up. I mean really, who thinks that it makes a difference which foot I step forward with? The real secret technique is causing spontaneous combustion.

I think it's quite fitting for Shishio to go out in a burst of flames. Best of all, it's a way to kill someone while appearing innocent. I deliberately held back and played injured until the 10-minute mark, so I could make everyone believe it happened naturally. Of course, obviously it's impossible for someone to burst into flames as a result of old injuries, but some people will believe anything.

With that done, it was time for me to figure out a way to get rid of Saito. I decided to use an old favorite. I'd recently tried it on Misao, the bridge dropping thing, but it hadn't worked, and that kind of rubbed me the wrong way, so I wanted to get it right this time.

I pretended to be injured, then secretly cut the bridge at the right time to strand Saito. I knew he'd probably survive (the man's like a cockroach) but at least while he's pretending to be dead he won't be bothering me.

But when I got back to the inn, I discovered a true disaster. Kaoru was still alive, uninjured even! The Juppongatana couldn't even manage to finish off two weak girls, an old man, and a kid. (Not to mention the four hired help, who didn't even come into my calculations due to being the most useless ninja I'd ever seen. I mean, they couldn't even manage to take out one foe together.)

Overall, I think the Juppongatana were a pretty worthless bunch. In addition to the weak people I easily beat, there was a cross-dresser, a batman fan with explosives who couldn't even win against a ten-year-old, a fat-ass tub of lard, a really old guy with even less fighting ability than the one we have, and his pet giant. Not to mention Shishio's whore and his boot-licker (the boat guy), both of whom were apparently there only to stroke the mummy's ego. I heard the ass-kissing boat guy was supposed to be some kind of genius, but frankly I didn't see any evidence of it.

But I guess it was partly my own fault that Kaoru survived. But really, you wouldn't believe the coincidences in this world. Remember how I told my master that a giant attacked him? Well, apparently there's a giant in the Juppongatta. Fortunately, the giant couldn't talk, so my master just kicked him around a bit and left satisfied that he'd been avenged. Unfortunately, he saved Kaoru in the process. I hope he dies of alcohol poisoning. In hindsight, I should have told him that he was attacked by two dark haired girls, one with a ponytail and one with a braid. Then all my problems would have been solved.

I was forced to return with Kaoru so I wouldn't appear suspicious to Saito. (Damn bastard wouldn't even stay dead for a few days. I saw him watching me.)

Kaoru has gotten weirder than ever. She swings between shouting at me for no reason and silently staring at me for long periods of time. I'm not sure which is worse. I noticed her spying on me in the bath once. I think she was considering trying to kill me while I was apparently vulnerable. This is starting to wear on my nerves. Next time, I'm going to kill her for sure…

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Author's Note: And so, the story finally grows a plot. Eventually this will cover the entire Rurouni Kenshin manga! But in the next chapter, which takes place between arcs, the Battosai will take a more active approach to trying to eliminate to people he hates, namely Kaoru.


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: "Mu-ha-ha! Of course I own Rurouni Kenshin! I am master of all I survey!"

"Crap, how did the Battosai get his hands on the keyboard? You hold him down, sis, I'll get the tranquilizers!"

Much later: "I still don't own Rurouni Kenshin. But I do currently have the Battosai locked in my closet."

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**Chapter Three**

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Recently I have been doing research into the background of Kamiya Kaoru. I want to find out who she really is. A former member of the Shinsengumi? An Oniwaba spy? An assassin from a foreign country fleeing her past? Possibly some kind of indestructible robot?

And yet all inquiries have shown her to be nothing other than an ordinary girl with no connection to martial arts other than that she was a poor student of her father's lame sword fighting style. But this cannot be! I refuse to believe that I, the Battosai, Japan's greatest assassin, have been thwarted by a mere peasant girl.

Maybe she is some kind of demon in disguise. It's the only possible explanation for why I have been unable to kill her.

I started out fairly simple. My first attempt was a classic poisoned needle. I planted it in her kimono while I was doing laundry. (Me, the Battosai, doing laundry?!? Which is admittedly very relaxing…ME, the Battosai, doing laundry and enjoying it?!? Oh, she'll pay!)

The needle, with poison coating the tip, was designed to prick her when she put the kimono on, and leave her dead within minutes. Yes, I carry around poison. I'm an assassin, what do you expect?

The plan should have been fool proof. She had laid the kimono out, ready to wear. Then that horrible little brat what's-his-face came barreling into her room, catching her in a state of undress. As normal, she smacked him head over heels across the room. But this time he somehow managed to land on the kimono is such a way that ripped in clean in two. And he didn't even have the decency to poison himself in the process. My only consolation is that Kaoru certainly took care of punishing the brat.

Although the first attempt was a disappointment, I wasn't worried yet. I thought that perhaps subtlety was wasted on this bunch of barbarians, so next I arranged a bit of simple arson. And where is more natural for a fire than the kitchen?

It wasn't hard to persuade the girl to take over my job and cook the next meal, which is strange given how bad she is at it. Myself, I'd be happy to have someone more skilled than me cook all my meals for free. This is one of the many reasons I suspect the girl's father may have hit her over the head a few too many times with that bokken. The actual quality (or lack thereof) of her cooking is another reason to suspect brain damage.

It wasn't hard to set fire to the stove when her back was turned. But, to my surprise, when the flames began to build she calmly turned and smothered them without batting an eye.

Thinking it a fluke, I set fire to the counter next. These flames built even faster, and when the chopped vegetables by her elbow caught fire, I thought I had her for sure. But again, she was unsurprised and calmly put out the fire with a bucket of water by her feet. What was that thing doing there anyway?

Perturbed, I decided to set fire to her kimono next. Using my godlike speed, I lit both sleeves and the hem by her feet without her even noticing. Then, to my horror, she WITH HER BARE HANDS patted out the flames and casually continued cooking.

I was dumbstruck. When she finished, she even had the nerve to say she'd done better than usual. This is why I suspect her of being a demon. She's entirely too at home with flames.

Since fire didn't work, I decided to try water. I invited Kaoru on a private walk, lured her to a rickety swinging rope bridged above a rushing river, and covertly cut the supports.

She coughed and sputtered a lot, then began to drown. Alas, third time was not the charm. Just when I was about to gloat over her dying body, along came three of the losers she calls our friends.

"Oh no, Kaoru is drowning!" shouted the one called Yahiko. A real bright one, this boy.

"But look, Kenshin is about the rescue her!" Sano shouted. Damn him.

"Ooo, rescue me too," Megumi purred.

What could I do but jump in and save Kaoru? I could have just killed all three inconvenient witnesses, but by that time their obnoxiously loud voices had drawn a crowd. Even I might have a difficult time annihilating all of Tokyo. At least without proper preparation.

After putting me through all that, I decided that Kaoru was going to die slowly. I dug into my secret stash and pulled out my most vile poison. Once inhaled it rots the innards inside out. I presented it to Kaoru as a gift of incense. This, strangely enough, resulted in her turning red and attempting to hit me. Could she be suspicious?

Apparently not, because the next day she prepared to burn the incense as normal. But no sooner had she lit the first stick then Yahiko and Sano came tearing in roughhousing with each other. They somehow managed to trample and destroy all of it. That stuff was expensive, damn it.

At least I have the consolation of knowing that they were punished for it. That Kaoru could teach me a thing or two about torture.

For my next attempt, I decided to try something less expensive. It was easy to wake up early one morning and rig a rock above Kaoru's bedroom door, set to be triggered by the first person who walked through. That would probably be Kaoru, but no great loss if it was Yahiko instead.

But for once, it seemed like my luck was going well, and it was Kaoru who first opened the door. I closed my eyes in anticipation of her anguished screams.

"Yoo-hoo! Ken-san! I've come to _visit_ you and give you a little doctor's check up!"

My eyes snapped open. That was not the sound I'd been expecting! Unfortunately, Kaoru heard this as well. With a speed I thought only I possessed, she raced out of her room towards the front door shouting, "Megumi, you stay away from him!" She didn't even notice the rock crashing through the floor behind her.

I had to spend almost an entire day repairing the stupid hole in the floor. Yet another thing that Kaoru must suffer for.

Under the guise of doing repairs, I managed to dig a pit in front of the walkway. I ingeniously rigged it so that as soon as something fell in the dirt would refill the hole, disguising my tracks and burying the person alive. Muhaha!

I couldn't wait. However, the next day nothing happened. I even saw Kaoru walk directly over the spot where I was sure the pit was located. Neither Sano, Megumi, or Yahiko were missing, and nobody else comes to this dump.

That night, at dinner, Kaoru announced that the neighbor had come by and asked everyone to keep an eye out for her missing chihuahua. All that hard work down the drain! Well, not entirely. Everyone knows that every time a chihuahua dies an angel gets its wings. But still, Kaoru had once again escaped me!

Frustrated beyond measure, I decided to dump every ounce of poison in my possession into the next batch of cooking. This was enough to kill 200 people, but for Kaoru I thought it was just the right amount.

Unfortunately, I took my eyes off the food for one second- one measely second!- and when I turned around Sano was licking his fingers with a grin and every last crumb was gone. Worst of all, I wasn't even rid of the obnoxious mutt. Later in the evening he complained of a slight stomach ache, but apparently it wasn't even bad enough to keep him from eating a second dinner. He must have a cast iron stomach from eating trash all the time. Figures.

By this time I was absolutely furious. And believe me, I can count on one hand the number of times in my life when I've been really angry. But when I'm angry, someone always dies. There would be no way she could escape this- I was going for total obliteration. There'd be no helpful "interference" either. This time I was going to get her and her little friends too!

I deliberately invited Sano and Megumi over to the dojo for a party. Yahiko insisted on bringing that girl Tsubame as well. Too bad. I didn't have anything against her, but she was going to die now. Oh well, there are always casualties in war.

I carefully planted several explosives around the house, rigged to one detonator. I planned to wait until everyone had passed out and then blow them all sky high. A bit of overkill, I admit, but this time I wasn't taking any chances.

It was hard waiting- there were many times that evening when I wanted to just kill them. But obviously I had to leave the house first and I couldn't risk anyone following me and surviving.

But no sooner had the last of them collapsed- that was Kaoru- then it started to rain! It was like a sign from God. I raced outside and pressed the button anyway, but as I suspected nothing happened. The gunpowder was soaked and ineffective.

That woman has the devil's own luck. She can't be normal, she can't be!

The ridiculously coincidental nature of it all discouraged me so much that I decided to temporarily give up my attempts to kill Kaoru. But I'm still keeping an eye out for an opportunity to rid myself of her forever.

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Author's Note: Happy Thanksgiving Day update! Next chapter returns to following the manga storyline, picking up with the Revenge arc. Look forward to it!


	4. Chapter 4

Disclaimer: I don't own Rurouni Kenshin. Even my own personal manifestation of the Battosai has broken down the closet door and escaped. Now my sole possession is the sword he left embedded in my gut. *Dies*

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**Chapter 4**

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Things were looking bad for the Battosai. The Battosai seemed to be having an off week. Normally the Battosai would not be having problems like this.

Do you have a problem with the Battosai referring to himself in third person? No, the Battosai is not just calling himself the Battosai in an attempt to reassert his self-confidence and masculinity in order to compensate for the fact that he has been unable to kill one puny little girl! The Battosai is strong!

Yes, I am strong dammit! And I am confident that I have finally found a way to kill my arch-nemesis, the menace known as Kamiya Kaoru. Ironically, the opportunity was delivered by the younger brother of my ex-woman, Tomoe.

Tomoe was this girl I knew once. She showed up wanting to kill me for some misdeed of mine. Killing her fiancée or something? Whatever.

Anyway, she was kind of hot so I pulled my innocent act and she fell in love with me. I'm so awesome, girls do that a lot. Eventually I used her as a fake wife to disguise myself, but she was never anything more to me than a cheap fling. Then that stupid broad had the nerve to collude with some people trying to kill me. I don't know if it was willingly or not, and frankly I didn't care. I wasted all those useless bastards who actually thought taking a hostage would work against me, and then I chopped her in two.

And now, her kid brother was back and looking for revenge. Yawn.

I wasn't worried about him in the slightest. I took one look at him and recognized him for the B-rated villain he was.

Even better, his idea of revenge was to kill the woman closest to me- Kaoru. Naturally I acted all horrified just to egg him on. If I really cared about Kaoru, I would have pretended to be indifferent. It's funny how he never realized that.

When Enishi's Mo Fo's showed up, it was hard not to just kill them all on the spot. I forget what they were called- the ten…the five…the seven…oh whatever. The point is, they were pretty damn pathetic.

All these losers said they had a past grudge against me. I thought I'd killed everyone like that. Oh well. I'd be able to kill these guys as soon as they took care of Kaoru for me. With a little luck, they'd take out some of my other hanger-ons too.

In the meantime I had fun watching them run around killing random townspeople. Apparently they did it because they thought I'd care or something. I especially enjoyed it when they killed someone I knew, because frankly I hate everyone I know. I really wish they'd managed to kill off some of those obnoxious restaurant friends of Kaoru's, who seem to think I like their company and _enjoy_ helping them with the dishes. As if.

Next I was forced to tell everyone a really complicated sob story about Tomoe just to keep people from getting suspicious. I actually made the women cry with my great storytelling. Yup, I'm awesome.

The downside is that it got everyone fired up to help me fight, even though I would have preferred to do all the killing myself. Why would I want them horning in on my fun? But I didn't turn them down because I prefer to look weaker than I really am. Being underestimated comes in handy.

The other annoying thing was that I couldn't kill anyone with them watching. But I comforted myself with the knowledge that at least Kaoru would be dead before the night was over.

Before the big showdown, I carefully sequestered Kaoru away from the rest of the group because I "couldn't bear for her to fight". Actually, this was to make it easier for Enishi to sneak behind me and kill her.

Then the fun- I mean the fighting- began. Sano had an unmemorable fight with an unmemorable person who disappointingly failed to kill him. Then I easily crushed some lunatic with a cannon for an arm who looked vaguely familiar. While I was toying with him, trying to figure out exactly who he was, I used Yahiko for his original purpose- a meatshield.

I let the brat hold off some girly looking man-woman. As I was just finishing off cannon boy, I flashed the man-woman my most deadly "you're next" look. He fainted dead away. Yahiko started shouting about how he was victorious and "Did you see that, Kenshin?", like _he'd_ actually done something. At first I was disappointed, but then I realized that if Yahiko-freakin-chan could hold that guy off for more than half a second, he wasn't worth my time anyway.

My next opponent was almost even more disappointing. When I first saw that giant fat-ass, I thought he might be some fun. But no matter how I hit him he never showed any sign of pain. That was very disappointing- I consider the screams of my enemies to be the best part. I kept dragging out the fight hoping to finally make him crack.

Then I learned he was actually a puppet. Damn I felt stupid. To make myself feel better, I decided to finish him off with my weakest attack- the one I made up about sneaky left feet- the Amakakeru Ryu No Hirameki. That's such a fun thing to say isn't it? And it gives off such an impressive air doesn't it? Just stick "secret technique" in front and I have all my enemies wetting themselves.

Anyway, the whole time Enishi made random threats and proclamations from his balloon, and I pretended to care. Obviously this guy could seriously use therapy. Suppressing my yawns and listening to his life's story without killing him was the hardest thing I had to do all night (way more challenging than the actual fighting).

That's when that bastard Saito showed up. Ruin all my fun, why don't you? After the government dog arrived I had to be extra careful to pretend to be a harmless peace-loving rurouni. There went my back-up plan of killing Kaoru myself once no one was looking.

At least Saito took care of the long-armed guy for me. Like I said before, I hate fighting cripples. At least Saito's good for one thing- taking out the trash.

Finally, I got to fight Enishi. It was pretty dull. The guy isn't nearly as good as he thinks he is. It got harder and harder to avoid winning. I was seriously considering faking a bout of illness when he finally put his "grand plan" into action. Not that cannon boy jumping up from the supposed dead and trying to grab me is much of a grand plan, but hey, I'll take what I can get. Cannon boy shouldn't have touched me though. He's going to die for that.

The moment I stumbled across Kaoru's dead body was one of the happiest of my life. Second only to the first time I killed someone. (I was five years old. That kid shouldn't have tried to steal my lunch.)

I collapsed to the ground and buried my face in my hands in order to hide my evil laughter. I was afraid I wouldn't be able to keep up the grieving act for long, so I ran off to the Fallen Village, where I pretended to be overcome with sorrow. Actually, I quite enjoy going there, because I like to watch other people's pain and misery. It's my hobby.

In hopes that my "friends" would go away, I pretended to be comatose. It was also a way to tune out their annoying voices through meditation. But they just kept coming back.

The final straw was when that annoying girl called Tsubame came screaming and crying up in my face. She was so annoying I decided to chase after her and kill her. I figured I could blame the murder on one of the pathetic lowlifes hanging around in the Fallen Village.

But when I finally caught up to her I saw an even better prey. CANON BOY! I rushed in and crushed him. Pity. If I hadn't been so eager I would have seen he was about to kill Yahiko and I would have let him finish first. Sometimes I'm too amazing for my own good.

I would have just gone ahead and finished off both brats, but Saito showed up and I had to stay my hand. Then I finally recognized canon boy. He was that obnoxious samurai I thought I killed 10 years ago.

No one escapes the Battosai! I'll be paying him a little visit in jail. I wonder if there's any way I can torture him to death and make it look like an accident.

After that, my slave showed up. I forced Aoshi-chan into servitude in exchange for sparing his life the second time. I summoned him because I thought he might be useful for dealing with Enishi's henchmen, before I realized what complete and utter losers they were.

I was disappointed in Aoshi-chan. Not only did he show up late, he brought that weasel girl along. Still, he looked so miserable after having to endure the entire journey with her that I decided not to punish him any further.

On the bright side, Sano is gone. At first I thought he was finally killed by somebody, but no such luck. I was upset to learn that he's still alive; that means that despite his grandiose proclamations he'll come crawling back soon. But even this short time without him has been a dream come true. When he gets back I plan to find some way to persuade him to leave the country.

But as amazing as this may sound, Sano's inevitable return wasn't even the worst of my troubles. Aoshi dropped the bombshell on me; Kaoru was still alive.

The body Enishi left behind was a fake. I almost killed Aoshi on the spot just for delivering the news. Then I remembered he was still potentially useful.

To appease my anger and to get Aoshi safely out of cutting distance I sent him after that retarded puppet maker with the cheap Halloween mask with orders to kill him. To my delight, Aoshi burned him alive. Isn't he such a good boy?

On another note, Enishi is going to suffer. Killing him won't be enough for me now. I want him to break him both mentally and physically. His greatest weakness seems to be that dead sister of his. That gives me a wonderful idea…

My first order of business was to find Saito. Now, why would I want to find Saito, government poodle and bane of my existence? Simple. This time I was going to turn HIM into my pawn and make him work for me. But first, I was going to make him suffer.

My agents of evil were Misao and Yahiko. They may look innocent, but don't let them fool you. They're as cute and cuddly as a pair of plague-carrying rats. (Except worse, because they're bigger.)

The next time I saw Saito he looked like he'd swallowed rotten soba. For once he surrendered the information I wanted without any mind games. I should do this more often. (I wonder what would happen if I sent the two brats to stay with my master…)

We headed to Enishi's island at top speed. I sent the weasel to get rid of some underwater mines, but unfortunately she didn't die. Actually, I wouldn't have minded if the whole boat had blown up. I wouldn't have had any trouble surviving the explosion, but with a little luck a few of my problems might have vanished beneath the waves. (Why do you think I brought them all along? You don't think I actually thought any of them would be useful, do you? No, I'm just hoping a few of them will manage to get themselves killed.)

We arrived onshore to be greeted by a few random henchmen. Not a big surprise. One of my hanger-ons suggested that they handle the henchmen so I could save my strength for Enishi. Oh please, I already fought Enishi, and frankly he was pathetic.

I was about to coldly shoulder them aside and take all the fun for myself, but then I noticed exactly who my opponents were. Four Buddhist monks and a midget. We've already established that monks are pathetic (review Sano's fight with Shishio's pet rock). And midgets are practically cripples. You know how I feel about cripples.

I decided that here was where the meatshields were going to earn their pay (which was their continued existence). I slept through the whole fight. I opened my eyes only to check if anyone was dead. Then I closed my eyes again in hopes there would be something better next time.

I woke up in time to see Enishi punch the midget. Yay! But wait. Crap. Kaoru's behind him. Nooooo! Kaoru's back! Ignore her…She's shouting my name and running towards me! Something stop her! Please!

Enishi thrust out his sword at her and she stopped. I think he was trying to cut her head off and missed. Damn he sucks.

Next I began to fight Enishi. I tried to drag it out to give him plenty of chances to kill Kaoru, but he still failed. I don't think he's even trying. Bored to tears and disappointed at the lack of dead Kaoru, I finished that battle with one blow.

Re-sheathing my sword, I heard someone say I had done a great Amakakeru Ryu No Hirameki. Are they kidding? I didn't even step forward with my left foot! I know I'm fast, but you'd think they could at least see that. As always, I'm surrounded by idiots.

As I stood over Enishi's body contemplating mass genocide, I heard the sound of a gunshot. It was so unexpected that it actually managed to graze me. I always keep an eye on all possible threats in the vicinity, but I hadn't been counting the midget. This is why I hate cripples. They get you feeling sorry for them, and then they try to kill you.

For some unfathomable reason, I saw Kaoru running towards me. Into the line of fire. I knew she was stupid, but this? I decided to take advantage of the situation. Pretending the injury was worse than it actually was, I lay prone on the ground feigning unconsciousness. That way I couldn't be blamed when Kaoru got killed.

But then, something completely unthinkable happened. Something I'll be seeing in my nightmares. Enishi, ENISHI, rushed forward and saved Kaoru. He saved her life! The one time he was speedy and skilled, and he had to go and do something completely worthless. Gods, some people. Now I'm going to go through with my plan to completely and utterly destroy his soul.

At my signal I had Aoshi bring out Tomoe's diary. It wasn't the real thing, of course. The diary contained a silly little sob story about how Tomoe had loved me and sacrificed her life to save me.

Tomoe's real diary (which I burned) had said she was planning to kill me all along. Incidentally, it had a lot more bad spelling and boring interludes about hair care products.

But Enishi was unstable enough to believe my re-writing. (Frankly, I think they guy was a bit of a masochist. Look how he clung to his pain and suffering.)

He had a delicious mental breakdown and was carted off before my eyes in chains. It was almost worth all the trouble I had to go through. I'm beginning to think it's more fun to emotionally destroy people than to kill them. I must consider that in the future.

The only thing that really bothered me was that despite all my efforts Kaoru was still alive. Well, there's always next time.

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Author's Note: Hope you enjoyed it! There is only one more chapter left, in which Kaoru's ultimate fate will be decided. It will also be decided if the author dies of her injuries inflicted by her amok creation, but none of you care about that.

Incidentally, I feel the need to state that all of the Battosai's comments about "cripples" are the product of his twisted personality, and in no way represent the views of the author. What can I say, folks? He's pure evil. You can't expect him to be very politically correct.


	5. Chapter 5

Disclaimer: Ha ha ha! I'm alive! After extensive surgery and rehabilitation therapy I survived being stabbed by the Battosai and have returned to finish this story.

But I most certainly don't own Rurouni Kenshin. Or the Battosai either. I never claimed otherwise! Please don't hurt me!

Is he gone?

In conclusion, I don't want to have anything more to do with that murderous maniac!

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**Chapter 5**

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There are three basic types of assassinations: the spur of the moment kill, the jobs that require slight planning, and the long-term undercover missions. I never would have believed that a weak little girl like Kaoru could possibly merit a long-term mission, but I suppose everyone must come across a few exceptional phenomena in their lifetime. I think I get more than my fair share.

Kaoru might be a challenge, but she was nothing I couldn't deal with. When I use all my amazing skills, I am unstoppable! Soon I will be victorious and then Kaoru will be nothing but a bad memory.

I began my planning by analyzing what went wrong with my past attempts. I came to one conclusion: it was other people. Specifically I am referring to the group of _things_ that I generously refer to as "loser hanger-on dogs" (Kaoru calls them our friends).

Therefore, I set out to systematically eliminate all of them. The first one to go had to be Saito, or he'd be all over me investigating when the rest of the losers started to die mysterious and extremely painful deaths. Saito seems to like convoluted plots, so for him I went the direct route and challenged him to a duel.

But when the appointed time arrived, the bastard was a no-show. How dare he stand me up! No one leaves makes the Battosai wait!

I prowled over to his office and prepared to make the cowardly dog pay. Then I overheard him telling someone that he didn't show up because it would be a waste of time to fight a pacifist like me. I was tempted to go show him just how wrong he was, but then I remembered that this was just what I'd wanted all along. I'd completely and utterly hoodwinked Saito! Sometimes I'm so great I amaze myself. I realized it was in my best interest to leave him deluded, and quietly left.

In retrospect I think that all-knowing attitude of his is just an act. In reality he's on the same mental level as the rest of those idiots. I almost wish he had made it necessary for me to kill him. In a fight where I wasn't holding back my true strength, he's one of the few people who might have lasted five minutes.

Without Saito to worry about, I could turn my full attention back to the others. Reluctantly, I decided that it would be better not to kill them. That might make Kaoru suspicious, and I wasn't taking any chances. With the way things always worked out so conveniently for her, I was half convinced she was really an evil mastermind.

First, I decided to get rid of Megumi. This wasn't because she was particularly threatening; she was just particularly annoying.

One night I snuck out to her home village, Aizu. There, I "persuaded" them that they really wanted Megumi back home. At first they refused: they remembered the woman for the snobby bitch she was. But, with my fantastic charisma I had little trouble convincing them they really wanted her back. That, and I threatened to kill them all if they dared refuse me a second time.

When I was done, they literally begged Megumi to come back, and Megumi, who loves begging, was happy to comply. One down and two to go.

Sano was actually very easy. He was already criminal scum; it just took a few words in the right ears to put the police directly on his trail. The hardest thing was keeping him from being caught. I didn't want him thrown in jail, where I might be expected to rescue him. Instead, I shipped him off to a foreign country.

A mighty fine piece of work, if I do say so myself. With a little luck he'll catch some foreign disease and kick the bucket.

Last was Yahiko, who was by far the hardest. He was apparently considered too young to set off on his own, though I was fending for myself when I was his age. Plus, he clung to Kaoru like a leech- or maybe it was the other way around.

I made a few attempts at trying to get him killed by teaching him really poor sword techniques, but all that resulted in was me having to save his sorry ass. Finally, I settled on a more temporary solution, just getting him out of the house long enough for me to knock off Kaoru. Deviously, I left him a rather suggestive "come-hither" note in his room and signed it "Tsubame".

He left in a real hurry that evening. I wasn't sure how Tsubame would react, but best case scenario Yahiko would get arrested.

That left me alone. All alone in the house with Kaoru. Mwahahaha.

Screw subtlety. Tonight I was going to go into her room and strangle her with my bare hands.

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Whoa. Oh whoa. I never would have expected that.

When I snuck into Kaoru's room last night, she must have misinterpreted my motives. I was leaning over her about to strike when her eyes snapped open and she reached up and dragged me down by my hair into the bed. And then I…and we…

If you had told me yesterday that this would happen, I would have laughed my head off if I didn't cut yours off first. Not that I'm complaining or anything- no way! I mean, last night was… Well, I'm sore all over, but man it was worth it.

Who would have guessed that Kamiya Kaoru, inept swordswoman and bossy tomboy, is actually sexy dynamite?

I never would have thought that Kaoru liked me. All the other girls who've liked me have acted all flirty and coquettish, not…however it is that Kaoru acts. But what that girl lacks in coyness, she makes up in…um…hehe…style?

Hell, I never liked any of those annoying girly-girls anyway. And I'm willing to put up with a lot of crap from Kaoru in exchange for…you know.

And if Kaoru wants a goofy rurouni, she can have a goofy rurouni. I don't mind keeping up the act, and I can always do a little killing on the side. What she doesn't know won't hurt her.

Remember what I said about having more than my share of phenomena's in my life? Well, after this no one can say that the Battosai isn't…flexible.

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The End

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Author's Note: And so, the end is revealed! (Bet you didn't see that coming. What can I say; I'm actually a Kenshin/Kaoru fan.)

Hope you enjoyed the story! Thanks to everyone who read it, and a special thanks to those who took the time to review. I really appreciate it!

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